Another Journey, Another Life
by TeaRoses
Summary: When Milly becomes responsible for Knives, will they reach any understanding? Knives x Milly. Takes place after series. Updated! Now complete! R for mature situations.
1. Chapter 1

(Author's Note: This is a rewrite of two fics I posted on a couple of small Trigun message boards previously. I decided to do it over completely, change the plot and try to make it darker and more in character. I do realize that probably the only in-character Knives and Milly fic would go: "Knives killed Milly. Then he laughed." But I'm going to try to do my best here, and if there is enough response I will continue. Or possibly I'll just continue for my own amusement either way. Thank you to my husband for reading and editing. Oh yeah, and I don't own Trigun, other people do.)  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
I was standing I at the door of our house, shading my eyes from the suns, as Meryl came running up to me.  
  
"Milly. There's a rumor going around town about who Vash and Knives really are. They've got to get out of here. Vash is heading east to March to look for a new house and I need your help with Knives."  
  
I stood indecisive for a moment. I didn't like being afraid of people but I was afraid of Knives. He went through the motions of a normal person's life, but there was still darkness inside him. But Meryl needed my help. Finally, I nodded, and picked up my stun gun. We rode in my jeep to the house where Vash and Knives lived.  
  
We went back to the house where Vash and Knives lived. Knives lay on his bed, wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans. He had healed significantly from his wounds in his battle with his brother, but he was still weak. Meryl began speaking to him, trying to get him to get up and go with us.  
  
"I've done nothing but move from one town to another for months," Knives was saying as he sat up.  
  
I could see the way he was glaring at Meryl.  
  
"Meryl, why don't you catch up with Vash, and I'll take care of Knives. We'll meet up with you later."  
  
Knives's glare was transferred to me. Why do I always have to take on other people's problems? But I could see how desperately Meryl wanted to leave.  
  
"Are you sure you'll be all right, Milly?" she asked.  
  
I had no idea, but I just said "Yes," and watched her get into her car.  
  
I turned to Knives and opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say anything I heard the noise of the door slamming open.  
  
Two men carrying crowbars came running into the room. "Killer!" one shouted.  
  
Knives stood, and held up one hand. One man suddenly clutched at his abdomen and fell, but the other kept coming. Knives futilely held up his hands to push him away.  
  
I had my stun gun ready, but I was unable to fire before the man had hit Knives in the head with the crowbar. As the gun's bolt finally hit the man and threw him against the wall, Knives fell back onto the bed.  
  
I couldn't decide whom to tend to first. Finally I turned to Knives. He was breathing, but apparently unconscious. So was the man I had shot at. The other man was bleeding from the mouth, and when I felt his arm I found no pulse.  
  
It occurred to me that those men could have friends waiting to come here and finish the job. I had to leave right away with Knives. I knew that moving someone with a head injury was not advisable but I had no choice. Carefully, I picked him up, using all my strength.  
  
Somehow I managed to get him out to the car and put him in the passenger seat.  
  
"He's very heavy," I said to myself. "But I don't think it's because he is full of mercy."  
  
I almost gave in to a hysterical giggle, but I managed to get behind the wheel and start driving.  
  
I wanted to take Knives to a doctor, but there was no safe way to do that here. I drove east. I couldn't help wondering about the man he had killed and the other who I had left. Had I done the right thing? Perhaps Vash would have stayed to help the fallen. But now I had no choice but to help Knives. 


	2. Chapter 2

We were still driving when I saw Knives stir, then clutch at his head. I pulled off the road and stopped the car.  
  
"Pain," I heard him murmur. "I hate this pain."  
  
"Knives, I'm going to take you to the doctor."  
  
His eyes opened and he stared at me. "I don't need a doctor. What happened to the men?"  
  
"One of them you killed. The other one I shot with my stun gun."  
  
"Why did you shoot him?"  
  
"Because I didn't want him to kill you," I answered. I thought about it for a moment. Wouldn't the world be better off if I had let him kill Knives? For just a moment I pictured that, but I shook my head and let it pass. I could dare to think the thought but the act was beyond me.  
  
"If you're doing better I want to get back on the road now," I said.  
  
"I don't want to meet my brother and that woman in March yet," he replied.  
  
"What do you want to do?" I asked.  
  
"I want to show you something," he answered. "Drive north."  
  
I was a bit bemused that he felt he could simply order me to do whatever he liked. But when I tried to tell him Vash and Meryl would be worried, he just shook his head. In the end I bought some food and blankets in the next town and headed north on the next road.  
  
Knives didn't speak except to give me directions. Finally we ended up on a narrow access road that ended at a power plant. It looked deserted.  
  
Knives got out of the car and ordered me out as well. I began walking with him toward the plant, wondering what he wanted to show me but afraid to ask.  
  
Knives began to speak. "They abandoned this power plant when it stopped working right. Just left, without even thinking about what they were doing."  
  
He opened the door to the power plant at this point and led me through a maze of corridors. As we began to pass warning signs, I stopped.  
  
"Knives, I don't think people are supposed to be this far back."  
  
He shrugged. "It can't hurt me." I just looked at him and finally he shrugged.  
  
"It can't hurt you either, with the plant shut down like it is."  
  
We continued walking until we got near the main bulb of the plant. Knives dragged me by the hand through a glass doorway, and suddenly we were facing the blackened, shriveled body of a being that looked like an angel.  
  
"They just left her here to starve to death," Knives said. "They didn't care. You humans wanted her to suffer and die." He was shouting now.  
  
I shook my head and chose my words carefully. "Knives, even engineers don't understand anymore how the plants work. People can't normally get this close and survive. I don't think anyone realized what would happen, or what kind of a being they were --"  
  
"Condemning to death." Knives finished the sentence for me.  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
"Knives, do you want to bury her?" I asked finally.  
  
He looked startled. "How?"  
  
"I have a shovel in the jeep. Between the two of us we could make a grave."  
  
I had done simple medical tasks for Knives while he was healing, but I had never offered him help as I was doing now. Finally, he nodded.  
  
We took turns with the shovel. Knives was still weak but we managed to dig a grave before it was completely dark. He went back into the plant and returned bearing the plant angel. He looked sad. It was the first time I had seen an emotion in his face besides anger. For just an instant he reminded me of his brother, then the feeling passed.  
  
He put the angel into the grave and we shoveled the dirt over her body. My lips moved in a silent prayer for her, and for Knives, and for me.  
  
"Did she have a name?" I finally asked.  
  
Knives shook his head. "I only knew her after she was dead. And I don't even know if they have names. I should know, but I just don't."  
  
In the end we left a simple pile of stones for a marker. It was night by now and I didn't want to drive any more. I suggested to Knives that we sleep in the jeep under the blankets I had bought. He agreed.  
  
I lay across the seats looking up at the stars.  
  
Then Knives spoke. "Aren't you worried that I'll kill you, now that I've got my strength back?" he asked.  
  
I didn't know how to answer. Finally I decided on honesty. "Yes, sometimes I worry that you will kill me."  
  
"That's intelligent," he replied. I almost laughed, but smothered it, and somehow managed to fall asleep looking up at the stars.  
  
(Author's note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. There will be more.) 


	3. Chapter 3

(Note: This chapter is short and mostly dialogue oriented, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I'm very grateful to everyone who read and reviewed, I really, really appreciate it. Thank you also to my husband for reading and editing.)  
  
The next morning I woke up early, uncomfortable after a night on the jeep's seats. Knives was still asleep, and I took a moment to look at his face. With ordinary clothes, and with the sunlight shining on his hair and face, he looked very different from the man Vash had brought home through the desert.  
  
Suddenly Knives' eyelids snapped open and his eyes met mine. "You're thinking I look like my brother, aren't you?"  
  
That had not been what I was thinking, and even in sleep he had only slightly resembled Vash. But a question came out of my mouth before I could stop it.  
  
"Knives, why do you and Vash look, well, the way you look, and not like plants?"  
  
It struck me too late that it was the sort of question that might drive Knives to kill. But he simply looked at me and shook his head.  
  
"'Why do we look human?' is what you are afraid to ask," he stated.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I don't know, and Vash doesn't know either. We've both tried to find out but there's no one left who knows exactly how the plants work and why. Communicating with plants isn't easy either. I was able to manipulate plants to make the angel arms, but why I don't have wings and can live outside a bulb is a mystery to me."  
  
He spoke a bit more, staring fixedly at the horizon.  
  
"I took the fact that we were not as delicate as bulb plants to mean that I was meant to give revenge for all the ways in which humans mistreat plants. Because you know that what we saw back there is the least of what humans have done to my kind. But the truth might be much simpler. It may be that we contain human genes. You can imagine how little I want to admit that."  
  
I wondered why he had admitted it to me.  
  
Suddenly he turned again to face me. "I have a question," he stated.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Why did you never kill me?"  
  
"Kill you?" I was shocked.  
  
"Milly Thompson, don't tell me the thought has never crossed your mind."  
  
During the time I had helped him during his recovery, I had often wondered if it wouldn't be easier to let him die. And I remembered thinking I could have left him for those men to kill. But I had never considered killing him in cold blood.  
  
"You had a lover," said Knives flatly. "And he's dead now, because of me."  
  
I turned away from him.  
  
"I don't want to talk about Nick," I said. The pain I felt when Nick died was not something I wanted to share with Millions Knives.  
  
"You can't tell me that he would have wanted you to let me live. Don't forget, I knew him."  
  
Nick himself had never shared his time with the Gung-Ho Guns with me. Tears were starting to come to my eyes. I tried to blink them away.  
  
Finally I turned to face him.  
  
"I don't know," I said in an exasperated voice. "I don't know what Nick would want me to do now. And I can't live the rest of my life wondering that, even though I did love him."  
  
I choked on the word love.  
  
"Right now I'm doing what I need to do, and that's to bring you back to Vash."  
  
"And you don't harbor any anger?"  
  
I did, of course, and it was beginning to flare up now. I told myself to measure my words carefully, that I must avoid antagonizing Knives.  
  
But finally I turned to him, tears running down my cheeks. "Doesn't everyone on this planet have a reason to want to kill you? Should we all line up and take turns? What do you want from me?"  
  
With a shock, I realized that I had put my hands on his shoulders. He simply stood there, looking into my eyes. Eventually he pulled my hands down but continued to hold them in his, still looking at me. I was surprised that he would voluntarily touch me, but in the end his hands felt just like anyone else's hands.  
  
"I want to show you something else now. And then we will talk about humans."  
  
I nodded. I wanted to remind him again that Vash and Meryl were waiting, but there didn't seem to be any point. I got in the jeep and got ready to go. 


	4. Chapter 4

Knives got in the passenger seat and began giving me driving directions. Except for that he was silent and he had a look on his face that I couldn't interpret.  
  
Finally I saw a town and drove down the main street. It looked like an ordinary small town with houses, a café, and a gas station but there were no people in sight.  
  
"Pull over and get out," Knives said.  
  
I stepped out of the jeep and approached a house with an open door. The table had been set for a meal a long time ago, the desiccated remains of the food still on the plates. There was no one inside. I began to realize what Knives was showing me, and I began to feel sick. I couldn't stop looking into the houses, seeing all the beds that would never be slept in, all the books that would never be read, all the emptiness.  
  
"They left their houses on their own," Knives began in a low voice. "Legato called to them and they just left. Some of the small children escaped, they always did. The people walked to a field outside the town. And the Gung-Ho guns killed them. With guns, mostly, Dominique was a good shot. Legato didn't need a weapon. All those men and women, those human men, women, and children, gone in minutes. No fighting back, no chance for final regrets. Bodies to be buried. I can show you the graves."  
  
I shook my head. I was picturing all those people, going on with normal lives until being called out to their deaths.  
  
He turned to look at me, and I recognized the expression on his face. It was sadness. "I could kill all those people, those humans, but I can't make this town again. And if humans are so many insects to be exterminated, it doesn't really matter. A living town, or a bunch of graves, it's all the same."  
  
He turned, and gripped me by the shoulders, and looked into my eyes. "But if my brother is right, then every human life is as important as his life, as mine, as the life of that sad plant we buried. Every single one. If I believed that, what would that make me? I can't believe it; do you see? Because that way lies the abyss!"  
  
He had raised his voice practically to screaming level. And I found myself with nothing to say. I always want to comfort people, to reach out to them somehow. But how could I reach out to Knives as he confronted me with what he had done?  
  
He dropped his hands and sat down in the dirt.  
  
"My brother has never forgiven himself for the death of one human, my pathetic Legato Bluesummers. No matter what crime I inform him that Legato was guilty of, no matter how often he reminds himself that he was saving someone's life, he simply cannot forget it. Every time he looks at that woman, I see it in his eyes; he thinks 'there stands the woman for whose sake I killed.' And it has ruined his life.  
  
"That's why I can't listen to him any more. If I keep listening; if I start to believe him, I'll go insane. If killing one Legato Bluesummers is beyond forgiveness, where would I be?"  
  
At the mention of Vash I felt I could say something after all.  
  
"I don't know. I don't know if there are any things beyond forgiveness. But I know Vash didn't kill you. He kept you alive for a reason. And I know you have some confidence in him."  
  
Knives shook his head. He didn't look sad anymore, just tired.  
  
"I have never told anyone any of this, not even Vash. Especially not Vash. I wouldn't want him to think he's getting through to me. I always remember what humans have done to plants, and what was done to me. The hatred is still there, and I can go on."  
  
"So why are you telling me?"  
  
"I know you, Milly. I know what I've seen, and I know what I've heard Vash and Meryl tell each other when they think I'm not listening. You do what people need you to do. If Meryl needs a partner to chase down Vash the Stampede, you're there. If Vash needs you to help take care of his sick brother, the genocidal maniac, you're in. Even with Wolfwood."  
  
"Don't say it," I whispered, though I knew it was true.  
  
"So maybe you can give me what I need."  
  
I sat in the dirt next to him. I wondered why someone who hated humans so much had taken so much time to analyze me.  
  
"Please let's get out of here," I said, standing up. The magnitude of the loss here was too great, and I couldn't think straight. I was just a human, just like the people here were, and I had no idea what Millions Knives needed or how I could give it to him.  
  
Without thinking, I reached a hand out to help him get up. He took it and rose. Then he stood in front me, looking tired and lost like a child. Wordlessly, I embraced him, as if he were a fellow mourner of this crime and not the perpetrator. He returned the embrace, and then we walked on.  
  
Vash believed his brother was redeemable, and who was I to argue. Knives had uncertainty, and maybe that was enough. Or maybe that was just my own optimism coming through again.  
  
(A. N. OK this was a bit dark, but it was going to be even darker and justify the R rating and I changed my mind. And Milly is acting not quite like Milly, but I justify that to myself on the grounds that she would probably tone down her natural cheerfulness significantly around Knives, simply because it would get on his nerves too much, and in this chapter there's not much room for cheer. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this even though it was a bit sad, things will go uphill from here.) 


	5. Chapter 5

(A.N. Here's another chapter of this. the next one will probably be the last chapter though I have plans for a sequel--a sequel rather than more chapters because I want to change from Milly's P.O.V. Hope you enjoy this chapter.)  
  
It had become late while we were wandering and we needed to stop for the night. I drove far away from the deserted town and stopped the car. I got out some food for Knives and myself. He was quiet while he ate, but kept looking over at me as if he wanted to say something.  
  
Finally he asked, "Do you resent what I did to you today?"  
  
I shook my head. "I don't mind being someone for you to talk to." Without thinking, I covered his hand with mine.  
  
For a moment he held on to my hand and looked into my eyes. "Thank you," he said, with no trace of sarcasm.  
  
The next day Knives finally agreed to meet Vash and Meryl in March. He seemed subdued and spent, and I wanted to see him get some real rest. I began driving down the winding road to the main highway.  
  
Halfway down, I encountered a wooden roadblock. Two men with bandanas on their faces jumped from behind it with guns and demanded that we surrender the jeep.  
  
I really hadn't been expecting any trouble. I picked up my stun gun but there was no way to use it in time.  
  
Suddenly Knives moved. He was standing up in his seat, pointing at one of the men. The man fell, clutching at his abdomen, but I could see that he was still moving and alive. The other man began to back up, then suddenly shot at Knives. I saw a flash of blood on Knives's shoulder and he fell back.  
  
Suddenly the second man got up. By now I had my stun gun ready, but they ran off before I could take a shot at them.  
  
I took a moment to look at Knives. He had clapped a hand over his wound and I could see blood between his fingers, but he didn't seem to be bleeding seriously. He was staring in horror at his shoulder and breathing in harsh pants. I had a first aid kit with bandages in the jeep. The problem would be calming Knives down enough to use it.  
  
I spoke as gently as I could. "Knives, I'm going to go move the barrier and drive off this road just in case those men are thinking of coming back. I want you to just stay calm and I'll deal with your wound as soon as I can."  
  
Knives didn't reply. Finally I began driving as fast as I safely could, looking over at him after every bump. Eventually we reached a main road where I felt safer. But there were still no towns nearby, so I pulled the car over behind the shelter of some rocks and got out the first aid kit.  
  
"Knives, you need to take your shirt off so I can look at that," I said. He looked up at me, but he didn't seem to have heard me. I remembered helping him with his wounds occasionally while Vash had taken care of him after the shooting, but he had been unconscious then, and I hadn't realized how afraid he was of pain.  
  
Finally I started unbuttoning the shirt myself. I had to take his hand off his shoulder to remove it. Eventually he started breathing more calmly and looking into my eyes, but he still did not speak.  
  
When I finally removed the shirt I almost gasped. Where his original wounds had been there was massive scarring.  
  
Knives followed my eyes and spoke through ragged breaths. "Vash wouldn't let me regenerate inside a plant. So now I have those."  
  
As I had suspected, the bullet was not in his shoulder. He had merely been grazed. But it did need bandaging and I began unrolling the gauze.  
  
As I wound the bandages around his shoulder he spoke again.  
  
"I didn't kill them."  
  
I was afraid to reply to this statement.  
  
"Vash would be proud," I eventually said, but it sounded a little silly even to me.  
  
"If I had killed them, I wouldn't have been shot. They could even have shot you. Would you rather I had killed them? Or are you proud too?"  
  
"You didn't do it for me," I replied.  
  
"Maybe I did," said Knives.  
  
I finished the bandaging.  
  
"It still hurts," Knives complained. "I need to lie down."  
  
To my surprise he curled up right where he was, in the passenger seat, and put his head in my lap. My hand automatically went out to stroke his hair. I wanted to say something comforting, like that it was going to be all right, but I didn't know if it was.  
  
"Rest," I said, and he closed his eyes. 


	6. Chapter 6

A.N. I know it's been a long time, but I felt this deserved an ending. Hope you do enjoy; this is the last chapter and I have tried to make it a bit longer. Warning: There is some sexual content here, but it's just a little and definitely nothing above an R rating at all.

I brought Knives back with me to March. I expected him to object or complain, but he merely complied and stood by me in silence as I located the house where Vash now lived. 

Vash was happy to see his brother and embraced him, and Knives himself seemed relieved.

"Did you keep him out of trouble?" Vash asked me.

"Sort of... " I murmured. Then I saw Meryl.

"Sempai!" I said happily. "I'm so glad to see you."

"Thank you for bringing him back; I know it must have been difficult."

"It was all right, really."

"I hope you're going to stay with us again. We need you," she said.

"Us? Are you living here too?"

She dropped her eyes. "It's not like that; we just couldn't afford two places."

I sighed. Was Knives right, and Vash would never get over his memory of killing Legato? Or perhaps it was something else; perhaps he was still too worried about his brother to connect with anyone else. I worried about Meryl; I was alone too but it was different to simply have no one.

Over the next few days I had the chance to observe Knives. He even asked me personally to change his bandage, claiming I was gentler about it than his brother. Once as I changed it, he turned to me and stroked my face for a moment. I didn't back away, but we heard Vash's voice outside the door and the moment passed.

I did catch him looking at me occasionally, with something like speculation in his eyes. I would merely smile back, and he would always turn away. I suppose he never could bear cheerfulness. Once or twice I brought up the subject of the dead plant, trying to reassure him that I was there to listen. He spoke a little, mostly about plants and his inability to save them.

I never could bear to mention what I had seen in the town, however. 

He did once say to me, out of the blue, "I really did spare him for you." 

I knew immediately what he meant. I shook my head and said "I'm sure it was for Vash."

But normally he was silent, and remained in his room. We weren't sure what he was doing in there. Vash maintained he was feeling sorry for himself; Meryl suspected that he was plotting to take over the world. For myself, I was betting that he was reflecting on his life, possibly even with regret, but I wasn't sure how I knew or what right I had to say.

As for Vash and Meryl, for once I was at a loss to figure out what was happening. They seemed to have an unspoken understanding that they would never separate, and she seemed to be the only one who really knew how to comfort him. But as for anything more, it seemed impossible. It made me sad, but I tried to keep them happy as best I could.

One day they were sitting together in the porch swing, looking for once like a content couple. Knives came into the living room and caught me gazing at them.

"It's impossible," he stated.

"What?" I asked. "A plant and a human?"

"Love," he replied. "It's impossible at all." 

He drew the curtains, closing them off from sight.

"But this world is made of love and peace!" I said.

He gave a vague nod, and sat down next to me. I was surprised, but scooted over for him. 

He looked at me for a while with those ice blue eyes, then finally spoke.

"And you are made of that as well, whereas I have no love, and no peace."

"You can find those things," I said firmly. "Vash can help you."

"What about you?" he asked. "Can you help me?"

I had no idea, but I answered positively again. "I want to."

He moved closer to me then, and put a hand tentatively down on my leg. "Touch me," he said.

I was confused. "What?"

"No one ever does. Except Vash, now and then."

I had, actually, and I was curious to do it again. Curiosity, and perhaps another feeling I was afraid to name. I ran my fingers through his hair and down to his shoulder, watching as he closed his eyes. He moved closer to me. I told myself that I should be uncomfortable but somehow I wasn't. When all was said and done he was just a person, a person with needs.

He put his arms around me then, and lay his head down on my shoulder. I suspected he had never been so close to any human. I wasn't sure if I was comforting a grown child or something a bit more risky than that. I was even more confused when he put a hand under my chin and kissed me.

It didn't occur to me stop him, though perhaps it should have. I just accepted the kiss, even parted my lips a bit to encourage him. I couldn't feel anything as simple as attraction for the enigma that was Millions Knives but there was a part of me that wanted to be closer.

His kisses grew in urgency and his arms pulled me even more tightly to him. Despite all my thoughts of who and what he was my body was beginning to respond. I told myself that it was only that, that I was only human, but my emotions were being aroused as well. 

Then the door opened and we sprang apart. Vash and Meryl were looking each other, not at us, and that was just as well. Vash would probably assume something happy and innocent, and Meryl... I didn't even want to know what her reaction would be.

It was awkward between us, after that. I couldn't seem to even look at him, or speak to him without a blush. Knives snapped frequently at Meryl and even at Vash. I hoped he would simply go hide in his room again but he seemed to want to be near me even though he couldn't meet my eyes.

It was two nights later that Knives made his big announcement. "I'm leaving," he said over dinner.

"What do you mean?" asked Vash. "It's not safe."

"For him, or for everyone else?" Meryl muttered.

Vash stared at her a bit and finally said, "Both, I guess."

"I'm not talking about killing anyone," insisted Knives. "I have other plans."

"And what are they?" persisted Vash.

"I'm going to that doctor, from the SEEDS ship that didn't crash."

"That didn't crash until you got involved," said Meryl. Vash shushed her.

"Maybe he knows more than we do about what we are, what we're capable of," continued Knives. "And maybe he can help me stop what's being done to plants."

"He's hardly going to encourage you to destroy humanity, brother," Vash said.

Knives nodded. "Maybe the time has passed for that."

Vash grinned.

"Don't go asking me if I've seen the light, Vash; it's not like that." Knives swigged down his juice and stomped off to his room.

"You're not just going to let him go off to find the doctor by himself?" asked Meryl.

"No," said Vash seriously. "I'll have to take him. I'll wake him up early tomorrow and we'll go."

Meryl looked at her plate.

"Meryl," said Vash. "I'll be coming back."

She nodded, and we all went off to bed. I was thinking, before I fell asleep, of Knives and how I felt about his leaving. It was a good step, his consulting the doctor, but somehow I wasn't as relieved as I thought I would be that he would be gone. 

In the middle of the night, there was a knock on the door. I sat up in surprise and asked, "Meryl?"

The door opened, and Knives stood there, wearing pajamas and an almost confused expression. I said nothing, and he walked in and sat down on my bed. 

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he said in an expressionless voice.

"I know," I said. "I wish you the best, I'm sure it will..." I trailed off.

He shrugged. "I'm not sure of anything."

I nodded. "So... you woke me up to say goodbye?"

To my surprise he stretched out on my bed beside me and lay his head on the pillow. "I'm not sure of that either."

I sat up and stared at him. "What are you getting at?"

"This," he replied, and pulled me down to him.

I could feel his body through the thin pajamas as his hands moved over my back. He was kissing me intently again. I thought for a moment about the last man to touch me so intimately and all the many ways in which this was wrong. I moved away.

"What are you thinking?" he asked me.

"That maybe there are some things I won't do for other people's needs."

"I see," he said. "And what about your needs?" 

Did I have a need for touch, for sex, even for Millions Knives? I told myself I didn't, but he ran his hand down my arm then, and something in me changed and melted. I lay back down. 

"Is this what's going to happen?" I thought. "I'm going to let this emotionally frozen ex-genocide be inside me?" But he was already unbuttoning my pajamas, and I let him.

I reached for the buttons on his top then, revealing once again the heavily scarred skin. I ran my hands over the scars, wondering if they made him more human.

He began to kiss me again, and again I responded. 

"I don't really know what I'm doing," he said eventually. 

It was a strange admission for him, but I just nodded, and said what I had said so many times.

"It's all right. It will be all right."

What followed wasn't about love or passion, but there was exploration and a certain strange gentleness. I tried to keep my mind off the one thing and person I must not consider now. For once his memory had to be out of my thoughts.

I didn't know what I should think of besides the feeling of Knives' hands and body and the fact that he was leaving tomorrow, perhaps to never come back. After all I did have needs, and perhaps after all they were fulfilled. As for him, I could never tell.

When our curious lovemaking was finished he was still looking at me as if my eyes held an answer that my body didn't. Finally he got up to leave.

"Vash will be looking for me soon." 

"Yes."

"Milly..." he said, as if he were forcing himself to use my name.

"Yes?"

"Milly," he finished. "Remember me."

"I will," I said.

He went out the door then, and I wondered to myself if I would ever care for anyone who didn't leave. I laughed at the irony, and turned to fitful dreams.


End file.
